Want to Transform Your Relationship? Change Your Moves
Regressions can feel like being at the bottom of the ocean. When we are regressed and hit that bottom, it’s very easy to become the “ugly fish.” The ugly fish acts out of alignment with its values and stays stuck there, instead of swimming up and showing up in a way that leads to connection or relational wisdom.
Learning to self-confront is one of the greatest skills you can develop. Practicing this allows for things to shift. We often spend so much time focusing on what others do wrong, and in the process we neglect our role in the relational dynamic.
Self-confrontation is your ability to sit with yourself and identify where you have stepped out of your values or out of alignment. Some questions that support self-confrontation:
What are you asking of or doing to your partner so you don’t have to feel your inner experience?
What do you hope your actions will do to your partner change them, prevent something, or move them in a certain direction?
What are you holding onto too tightly?
What are you doing that may be ineffective?
Oftentimes, it takes two people for a dynamic to continue. One person may show up in an off-putting way, and in response, we may do the same. This is what keeps the cycle going.
Learning to stay centered, even when the other person is showing up in an off-putting way, allows a new dynamic to emerge. It’s quite common, and easy, to respond in kind. They yell, so you yell back. They attack, so you defend.
Instead, take a moment to reflect on your role in the dynamic. That’s one of the most powerful ways to begin stepping out of it. And if, in your reflection, you conclude that you’re doing everything perfectly, that’s likely a trap. Try stepping back and listening from a different perspective or getting someone else’s perspecitve. We can easily fall into the trap of self-blame. This practice is less about blaming yourself and more about reflecting on your own behavior. Rigidly responding the same way each time while expecting a different result is unlikely to be effective.
The other person may still engage in problematic behavior, but they are in a relational context with you. How you respond and how you show up still matters. The more flexibility in how you respond the more likely you get into more collaborative alliance.
And because it is impossible to control another person, working on your own behaviors is more likely easier to help create a dynamic shift than focusing on other people.
