From Isolation to Positive Relationships: The Power of Mattering

In my practice, I hear many stories about the lack of a sense of mattering: the painful feeling of not mattering to anyone and feeling completely worthless. This can lead to intense feelings of hopelessness. We may have thoughts such as

• “Nobody cares about me”

• “I don’t matter”

• “I am invisible”

• “Nobody sees me”

• “Everyone got it together, I don’t "

As human beings, we naturally try to cope with this sense of not mattering in different ways. Often, that lack of mattering shows up in unworkable or ineffective behaviors. We spend our time spinning our wheels, ending up repeating the same ineffective patterns over and over again. And often, situations where we get in touch with that sense of not mattering prompt those ineffective behaviors.

The good news is that building a sense of mattering is possible. Mattering can be defined as both feeling valued and adding value. While we don’t have control over others, meaning we can’t make people make us feel valued, we do have control over our actions.

Often, the relationship between feeling valued and adding value is reciprocal. When you help someone, listen to a friend, or contribute in meaningful ways, those behaviors can increase your own sense of value.

One important caveat: it’s helpful to stay true to your own values. Adding value in ways that align with your principles can be one of the most powerful paths to building a genuine sense of mattering.