Six Common Traps That Leads to Disconnection in a Relationship
There are behavioral patterns that get in the way of truly building a healthy relationship.
These traps are like bumps and potholes that interfere with a meaningful connection.
Here are some common patterns:
Fusion with beliefs
Avoidance behaviors
Inability to connect to the present moment
Attachment to your story
Lack of contact with values
Inaction (impulsive behavior | ineffective behaviors)
When we get stuck in these patterns, it can feel hard to truly see the other person. It’s like wearing sunglasses; everything is filtered through a tinted lens. In other words, you’re seeing them through the filter of your beliefs and assumptions. This is a common human trap we all fall into.
Psychological flexibility invites you to notice the filter and ask:
Am I seeing this person clearly, or am I relating to them through the filter of my beliefs?
Here’s how these traps may show up:
1) Fusion with Beliefs
This happens when you get entangled in your thoughts, when you see your thoughts as facts and let them dictate your actions.
It’s like being an actor in a play who starts believing the script is real.
Example:
Fused belief: I shouldn’t have to ask for affection. If they loved me, they’d do it naturally. (wanting closeness)
Behavior: Withdraws and feels resentful toward the partner (leads to more disconnection)
2) Avoidance Behaviors
This is the tendency to avoid unwanted internal experiences like thoughts, emotions, memories, or bodily sensations.
It’s like trying to hold a beach ball underwater; you can push it down for a while, but eventually, it pops back up.
Example:
Internal experience: Jane doesn’t want to feel anxiety (she yearns for connection).
Behavior: To avoid social anxiety, she skips gatherings—even though she longs for connection (leads to more anxiety and disconnection)
3) Inability to Connect to the Present Moment
This means getting lost in thoughts, worries, or rumination, unable to appreciate what’s happening now.
It’s like wearing foggy glasses: you’re physically present, but not mentally or emotionally there.
Example:
You’re with your partner, but you’re stuck replaying past arguments.
4) Attachment to Your Story
This is the story you tell yourself based on your past, often rigid and unchangeable.
It’s like walking around with a name tag that says, “I’m a bad partner.” Instead of seeing it as something removable, you wear it like a fixed identity that dictates how you show up.
Example:
Story: “I’m a bad partner.”
Behavior: You push your partner away to protect them from you or stop being vulnerable or affectionate.
5) Lack of Contact with Values
In relationships, this often means acting from fear or avoidance instead of from what truly matters, like love, honesty, or care.
It’s like forgetting your “why” in the relationship and acting from your pain instead.
Example:
You value honesty but hide your true feelings to avoid conflict and keep the peace. This often leads to unresolved emotional issues and distance over time.
6) Inaction
Inaction occurs when you avoid taking meaningful steps in your relationship due to uncertainty, fear, or discomfort. This often involves neglecting commitments or sidestepping important conversations. While avoidance may provide temporary relief, it can lead to long-term disconnection and dissatisfaction.
Example:
You desire to build trust and deepen your connection with your partner, but you avoid initiating heartfelt conversations out of fear of rejection or conflict. This avoidance can result in feelings of isolation and further disconnection.
