How to Break Habits That Keep You Stuck in Relationships?
Breaking a habit—especially in the context of relationships—can be incredibly difficult.
That’s often because the habit is doing something for us. It gives us something in return. And in a relational dynamic, that can make perfect sense.
Take, for example, the habit of shutting down during conflict. Maybe every time you shut down, your partner stops arguing. That feels like relief. That’s reinforcement. Over time, not speaking up becomes the easier path—not because you don’t care, but because it works.
Or consider those moments when you want something from your partner, but instead of asking directly, you expect them to just know. And when they don’t, you feel hurt. That can become a habit too—an indirect way of trying to get a need met, even if it keeps leading to disappointment.
This reflection isn’t about judgment. It’s about slowing down and asking:
What habits in my relationships feel protective, but might actually be keeping me stuck?
Sometimes we know a habit isn’t serving us, but we haven’t taken the time to understand why it’s there. That’s where wise reflection comes in. Not just labeling the habit as “bad,” but getting curious about its function—what it protects us from, what it hopes to get, and whether there might be a more aligned way forward.
You don’t have to rush this. Just take your time and sit with it. Sometimes, it’s this kind of reflection that begins to loosen the grip of an old habit—not by force, but through clarity.
Step 1: Name the Pattern
Start by naming the pattern. What is it that you actually do? Try to be as specific and behavioral as possible—not just “I shut down,” but what does that look like?
For example:
“When I feel criticized, I shut down and pull away.”
“When I get frustrated, I send a text and pick a fight.”
“When I feel depressed, I isolate and stop responding to anyone.”
The more clearly you can name the pattern, the more power you have to work with it.
Step 2: Acknowledge the Cost
Next, ask yourself: In what way did this habit help me?
Did it make you feel more connected?
Did it protect you in the moment?
Did it feel like the only way to manage pain?
Then ask: Does this habit move me toward the kind of partner—or person—I want to be?
If it continues long-term, will it bring me closer to the people I love, or further away?
A lot of these habits do serve a purpose in the short term. They soothe. They protect. That’s why they stick. But wise reflection asks: what’s the cost over time?
Step 3: Let Go of Control
There’s a story I often come back to—Superman digging a hole.
He’s stuck. And all he has is a shovel: his old, familiar patterns.
Every time he feels discomfort—rejection, worthlessness, anger—he digs.
Digging is his way of trying to get out, to control the feeling, to escape it.
But the more he digs, the deeper the hole gets.
And the more stuck he becomes.
That’s how some habits work.
They start as ways to cope—but over time, they trap us.
So here’s the question:
What if you could stop digging?
What if you didn’t have to fix, escape, or control the discomfort?
What if you could just notice it, allow it, and—
drop the shovel?
Step 4: Choose from Values, Not Urges
If you value intimacy, courage, and honesty—then even in the middle of an argument, when your whole body is screaming to shut down or people-please—something else in you might whisper:
Stay.
Stay close.
Stay real.
You’ll still feel uncomfortable. That’s part of it.
But values don’t ask you to feel good—they ask you to be true.
So maybe it sounds like:
“I feel the urge to shut down right now… but I care about this connection, so I’m trying to stay with you.”
“I notice I want to say what you want to hear, but that wouldn’t be honest—and I want to be honest with you, even if it’s hard.”
Values-based action often feels like standing in a storm barefoot.
But that’s how you begin to build the kind of relationship you long for—not just with the other person, but with yourself.
Step 5: Practice It Again (and Again)
Our mind is a prediction machine.
It constantly scans, guesses, and prepares for what’s next—based on what’s happened before.
That means: the only way to change what it predicts is to show it something new.
To work with what’s happening now.
How you show up in this moment is what your mind will expect in the future.
If you avoid now, your mind predicts more avoidance.
If you choose courage now—even in a small way—your mind begins to believe courage is possible.
Every time you practice a new habit, even if it’s shaky, you’re casting a vote for the future you want.
Small, repeated, intentional acts.
That’s how we reshape prediction.
That’s how real change begins.
